your parents love me but you hate me
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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