I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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