He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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