I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
