After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
