so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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