I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
is that a dick in a sweater?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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