I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Randomize
