finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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