How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
