i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
