I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
