Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
