I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
