I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
