Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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