First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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