I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
