So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
