She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
