Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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