so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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