Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
