She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This baby is an asshole
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
