So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
