Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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