Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
