You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
