just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
