The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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