i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
