alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
