I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
