Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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