My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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