I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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