Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It's rum buckets o'clock
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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