I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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