Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
