At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
In America we eat man semen.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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