Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
