i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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