Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
