i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
