dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
