So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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