Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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