I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My bed smells like the plague
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
