I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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