Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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