He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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